he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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