Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
