well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
