Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
