last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
