I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
