it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
