It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
