it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
