she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
