i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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