Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You made out with two different species that night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
