I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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