wanna go halves on a baby?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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