I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
