My friends, they love my intelligence
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
