Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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