at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
