I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
