i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We are all done wearing pants today
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize