How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
