I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
