Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
