I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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