Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
