escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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