What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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