someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
