i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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