I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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