i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
