so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize