I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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