that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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