I can't breathe out the right side of my face
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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