we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
