so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
