Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize