Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My boob is missing a layer of skin
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
