i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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