my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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