I cannot find my penis.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
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