Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
