you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
