It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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