I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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