I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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