I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize