Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
