How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
