i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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