i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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