I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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