So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
