youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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