I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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