Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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