I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
COCAINE IS GR8
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
