Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She told me I should be a condom model.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
