I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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