i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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