Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
