i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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