i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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