she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
