We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
