Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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